I don't need help, especially not from you!
by HernamewasLolashewasashowgirl
Summary: Rachel has a secret and she hides it well. Until someone actually starts paying attention. Can Santana help Rachel, the girl that the world believes she despises? PezBerry fic. Warning: Contains Selfharm, ED, Selfloathing. May be triggering. RATING HAS CHANGED.
1. Chapter 1

"…_.Rachel Berry!" Applause deafened the tiny woman as she stood up from where she was sat with her girlfriend._ (Girlfriend…?)_ She made her way up to the stage where Barbra Streisand was standing, waiting to award her the Tony. _

"_Thank you Barbra. I'd like to thank my fathers for always supporting me and doing everything they could to ensure I realised my dream and help me receive this award. I also want to thank Mr. Shue, my high school glee teacher for ignoring all the abuse and bullying that was directed at me before I left Lima for this amazing city_ (Is this really appropriate…?) _And let's not forget, the most important person in my life. I'd like to thank my amazing girlfriend S-"_

The alarm wrenched her from her dream and she rolled over and switched it off before lying on her back and staring at the ceiling sighing. That dream again. At least it wasn't a nightmare. She sighed again before getting out of bed heading to her ensuite and rummaging through the cupboard under the sink. Where was it? She swore she put in hear away from her fathers' prying eyes. Ah there it is, a glint of silver.

PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB

"Rachel honey, don't forget breakfast!" She sighed before grabbing an apple and hurrying out the door, shouting a quick "Love you dads!" as the door slammed behind her.

She hurried down the path and got into her Prius, heading to school to get as much time as possible in the choir room before homeroom. Halfway through her journey she pulled over, rolled down the window and lobbed the apple out before continuing. She pulled up in the student parking lot and saw a row of cars already there. Of course. Early morning Cheerio practise. She sighed and shook her head before getting out. After a moment of hesitation she turned her back on the football field and headed the long way to the choir room.

Once there she sat down at the piano and played the open chords to **FUCKING PERFECT **her voice melding with the notes of the piano.

_Made a wrong turn - once or twice_

_Dug my way out - blood and fire_

_Bad decisions - that's all right_

_Welcome to my silly life…_

She let the music carry her, transporting her to that infinite calm she could only find whilst singing. Her thoughts drifted back to the dream. Who was the girl? It was always the same girl, she knew that much, but she was none the wiser as to who that same girl was.

She sub consciously realised she'd finished the song and moved on to whatever her fingers led her to.

_Right, right, turn off the lights  
We're gonna lose our minds tonight  
What's the dealeo?  
I love when it's all too much  
5 a.m. turn the radio up  
Where's the rock 'n roll?_...

She'd never admit it but Pink was her favourite artist. She knew she implied that she only liked show tunes and this was widely accepted as fact but she did like normal stuff, she was a teenager after all – of course she listened to the charts. _Maybe if you let people know that they wouldn't hate you so much_ she thought to herself before berating herself. She knew where that train of thought would lead and it was concealed inside her backpack. She forced her thoughts onwards, it wouldn't do to linger on it.

Her thoughts fell back to the dream girl and she wracked her brains for anything that could give her a clue she knew that dreams were the eyes of the subconscious and consequently tried to imagine anyone she liked _that_ way.

She had just concluded that maybe the girl was just a figment of her imagination when the bell rang, bringing her out of her reverie. She hadn't realised how much time had passed. She grabbed her bag before heading to her locker on her way to homeroom, she kept her head down and was thankful she reached it without an _incident_ and had just sorted her books and closed her locker turning to go when suddenly what felt like a thousand ice swords attacked her face and she heard Karofsky mutter "Fucking fag spawn."

She felt the tears building in her eyes and headed into the bathroom that was luckily only about 10 feet away from her locker. She didn't feel very lucky. She quickly washed her hair and went into a cubicle to change. She was almost done before she couldn't hold it in any longer; she collapsed sobbing onto the toilet and reached into her bag pulling out two things.

She uncapped the permanent marker and scrawled fag spawn across her stomach; it joined the other insults that had been thrown at her recently. She recapped the pen and put it back in its place in her bag. She stared down at the other item in her hands her thoughts racing. She was just dragging it across her skin when the bathroom door opened and a familiar voice spoke.

"Berry?" Santana murmured quietly. Rachel gasped and quickly pulled on the neglected sweater. She unlocked the cubical and walked over to the sinks ignoring the Latina now watching her.

"What do you want Santana?" She said sharply, reapplying her light make up and avoiding the other girls gaze. A momentary look of hurt and surprise flashed across the taller girls face before being replaced by indifference.

"I heard what Karofsky said and did, I wanted to find out if was true," she said insultingly.

"If you're talking about me being slushied by that Neanderthal for being and I quote, 'fag spawn' then yes, the rumours are correct," anger flashed across Santana's face this time but it was again missed by Rachel who was still avoiding looking at her. "Now if you'll excuse me I refuse to be late for home room."

She marched towards the door past Santana, stopping when the Latina caught her arm - It felt wet – and stared down into Rachel's eyes. Rachel winced as she started talking.

"Santana, I really must protest at this contact –" Santana released her arm immediately at the wince and continued pain in Rachel's eyes. "Thank you, now again if you'll excuse me." She walked out and didn't look back, leaving Santana alone in the bathroom as the bell rang.

Santana looked down at her hand and gasped before heading to the sink and scrubbing her hands thoroughly, only stopping when the bell rang for first period. There had been smudges of what looked like _blood_ on the one that had held Rachel's arm.


	2. Chapter 2

Santana had been pondering what had happened all morning. She had tried to convince herself that it was probably just some melted slushy that Rachel hadn't cleaned off in her rush to get to class. She almost had. But she couldn't ignore the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that there was more to this.

She had only gone to ask Rachel if Karofsky had been being homophobic when he slushied her, or that was what she told herself. She didn't care if Rachel was upset, why would she? She'd laughed internally when she thought this, she couldn't even convince herself, how the fuck had she managed to hide it for so long?

She shook her head and glanced across the cafeteria to where the rest of the gleeks were sat. She saw the tiny brunette agitatedly searching through her bag and watched as she muttered something to Kurt, who barely acknowledged her before returning to his conversation with Mercedes, and then headed out the door.

Santana stood suddenly, receiving odd looks from the cheerleaders seated near her and glad that Britt was sick and Quinn was in an emergency meeting with Coach. She marched over to the gleeks table and stopped just behind the two divas.

"Porcelain, Aretha, Where'd Berry go?" The two froze at her voice before turning quickly.

"I don't think it is in Rachel's best interests to-" Kurt started before Mercedes butted in.

"Why the hell would we tell YOU."

"Hows about because if you don't imma go all Lima heights on your ass" Santana snarled with a glare.

"Touché" mumbled Kurt. "She said something about the bathroom, I wasn't really listening, just revelling in the unexpected peace and quiet."

Santana shot them both a disgusted look and stormed out only to stop and realise how many bathrooms there were in the school.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBP**

Rachel hurried down the halls towards her locker, quickly rummaging through it though she knew it wouldn't be there.

"Fucks sake" She swore in a very un-Rachel Berry like way. She shook her head and looked down at the floor, her mind running through all the possibilities. As she did so her eyes fell on the red splashes on the floor that the janitors had clearly missed when cleaning away the evidence of her earlier slushying. Of course! She had used it in the bathroom.

She quickly went in and checked the cubical she had occupied earlier that morning. There, she saw it the glint of silver. She bent down and picked it up. The door opened and she heard a voice as she straightened up.

"Hey Hobbit, We have to stop meeting like this"

Santana. Rachel closed her eyes and let out a deep breath before turning round. Santana had stayed in front of the door this time and she was smirking. Rachel panicked momentarily. It was still in her hand. She couldn't get caught with it and she wouldn't be able to leave as easily as she had done this morning. Her arm clenched involuntarily and it bit into her hand slightly. She took a step forward and in doing so stepped on her shoelace, undoing it. She bent down, redoing the lace and surreptitiously slipping it into her shoe.

She stood and went to the sink to wash her hands, all the while still not looking at the Latina.

"You just gonna carry on and ignore me RuPaul?" Santana snarled, annoyed by the blatant display of indifference. Why was she so affected by Rachel and yet seemed to have no influence on the shorter girl. It really wasn't fair.

She was so lost in her own thoughts that she missed the flash of pain that Rachel quickly hid and jumped when she started to talk.

"Though I do so enjoy your company Santana," Santana smirked at the thinly veiled sarcasm "and I hope you won't find me rude but I feel the need to ask, what are you doing so far from the cafeteria during the lunch hour? Surly Ms Sylvester has some sort of rule about eating and of course what would your friends think if they were to know-"

Santana cut her off. " I followed you Manhands. And FYI all I'm supposed to have at lunch is a protein shake. As for friends, Britt is sick and Q is at an all-important meeting with Coach. The others aren't my friends."

Both brunettes frowned. Santana because she wasn't quite sure as to why she'd shared all of that with Rachel and Rachel due to Santana's words. She turned to look at the Latina.

"You followed me? But how did you know where I'd gone? I didn't know where I was going and you were minutes behi-"

"Shut it Hobbit." Santana cut her off again. "I asked Lady Lips and Wheezy where you'd gone, they said bathroom so I checked all the bathrooms between here and the cafeteria." She shrugged.

Rachel gulped. "Santana whatever I've done-" Santana interrupted yet again.

"As much as I usually enjoy my rep proceeding me and and the look of fear that goes with that, I actually just want to talk to you. On the other hand you talk. A lot. So short answers only. Understand?"

Rachel nodded. "About what?" She asked quiely.

"This morning." Those two words were all she needed to say and tis time she didn't miss the gulp of fear or the expression Rachel couldn't hide or the way her arm twitched. Before Santana could call the shorter girl out on these things, the bell rung to signify the end of lunch. Rachel breathed a sigh of relief and Santana looked annoyed at the sudden end to the conversation.

"We're not done with this" Santana murmered as she stalked towards Rachel. She stopped a width away from her, eyes searching the face she couldn't get out of her head. "How are you getting home after glee?" She questioned. Rachel looked shocked at the question before answering hesitantly.

"I'm walking, my dads went out of town this morning." Santana noted this piece of information for later. She considered for a second.

"Are you staying home alone?" Rachel just nodded.

"Will you come and stay with me?" Rachel looked shocked at the question and Santana knew she did too.

"I mean… I didn't mean… Just think about it, okay? Either way I'll give you a ride" She closed the distance between them while searching Rachel's face for any misgivings. Then hugged the tiny girl briefly, loving the way they seemed to fit together. It was over too soon and by the time Rachel opened her eyes – just as the second bell went – Santana was gone. She sighed as she stepped into the cubical, pulled out a permanent marker, uncapped it and pulled up her top.


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel rushed to 5th period, still tingling from the hug thanking her lucky stars that she has Mr Shuester's 5th period Spanish today. She arrived and was in her usual seat at the front with her things out before Mr Shue even entered the room and for once was glad rather than annoyed at his tardiness.

She was already well ahead in this class, she spoke better Spanish than Mr Shue due to her childhood best friend and so allowed her mind to wander. The background buzz of Spanish brought a memory to the forefront of her mind.

_« __...__llevar a su__amiga__arriba__y ayudarla a__limpiar__mientras llamo a__su padre y__pedirle que venga__a recogerla__, ¿de acuerdo?__» __Her friend nodded and turned her attention back to a 7 year old Rachel._

"_Come on Rach, upstairs. Mama will call your papi." The girl spoke with a heavy accent and had a much more limited vocabulary than Rachel who sniffed and followed her friend up the stairs. She knew the way to the taller girl's room it was a regular occurrence for her to be here, to stay the night even, but followed out of courtesy. _

_The Latina girl helped the Jewish one up onto her bed. "Wait here chica, okay? I'll be right back." She said as she left the room. Rachel followed her with her eyes before closing them in pain as a tear rolled down her cheek. _

_**The two girls had been playing in the street on the Latinas bike when a car had pulled round the corner 200m down the street going about 70mph. It hadn't even tried to stop or slow down. Rachel had barely had time to throw herself onto the sidewalk before the car had been on them, running over the bike and carrying on down the street. Rachel had burst into tears as she hit the concrete and it was only out of sheer luck that nothing was broken – except the bike which was the first think she saw when she opened her eyes and immediately felt guilty. Then someone stepped into her line of sight.**_

"_**Ay Dios mio Rach! ¿Estás bien? MAMÁ! Lo siento mucho! Yo sólo se congeló! Yo estaba muy asustada. Maldita sea. ¿Estás herido? ¿Qué puedo hacer? ¡MAM**__**Á**__**! ¡MAM**__**Á**__**! AYUDA! No puedo creer esto. Estoy Rach lo siento. Yo…" **_

"_**Santana! Calm down" Rachel sobbed interrupting a tearful Santana. "You're going to fast, I'm only just learning" **_

_**Santana's mother had come rushing out of her house and seen her daughter crouched over a Rachel who appeared to be motionless. She screamed and ran over to the two girls, sighing with relief when she saw Rachel talking.**_

"_**N**__**iñas, are you okay?**__** What happened**__**?" **_

"_**Había un**____**coche y que**____**acaba de salir**____**de la nada.**____**Yo estaba tan**____**asustada.**____**Pensé que**____**había matado a**____**Rachel" Santana **__**said, tears still running down her cheeks. **_

"_**I…. I hurt… all over" Rachel cried breaking out into a fresh wave of tears.**_

_Rachel opened her eyes as she heard Santana returning from the bathroom. She held a damp washcloth in her hand and came straight over to the bed and started to clean Rachel's hands, knees and elbows in silence. _

"_I'm sorry (hic) about your bike San" Rachel hiccupped "I know I should have pulled it out of the way, I just panicked. I'm sure dad and Daddy will pay for a n..."__ Santana interrupted._

"_Hey Rach?" _

"_Yes?"_

"_Silencio por favour, I don't care about the bike. I'm just glad you're okay. I mean who would be mi mejor amiga if something happened to you?"_

_Santana finally met her gaze and Rachel smiled weakly. Santana noticed she was shaking slightly and reached out to grab her hands. She kissed each of them on the still fresh grazes before doing the same on her knees then elbows. Then she clambered onto the bed careful not to touch Rachel knelt beside her. She cupped Rachel's face and wiped the tear tracks off with her thumbs before leaning in and kissing the graze on her chin and then finally placing a soft kiss on Rachel's lips before pulling away._

_The two girls looked at each other for a second before hearing the doorbell and voices down stairs alerting them to the arrival of Rachel's dad. Footsteps could be heard and Santana's mom entered closely followed by one of Rachel's fathers._

They never had found out who had been driving the car, Rachel mused as she focused her attention on Mr. Shuester for the first time that lesson. Just then the bell went.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB PBPBPPB**

_**AN: SPANISH TRANSLATIONS**_

_**-**_ Are you okay? MOM! I'm sorry! I just froze! I was so scared. Damn it. Are you hurt? What I can do? Mom! Mom! Help! I can not believe this. I'm sorry Rach. I

- There was a car that just came out of nowhere. I was so scared. I thought it had killed Rachel


	4. Chapter 4

Rachel had spent all of last period thinking about Santana, of more specifically what she was up to, as well as trying to think of a plan to avoid having to go with her and any conversations. She had reached all of one option and she really didn't like the thought of what would happen to her if she went through with it, but it seemed her only choice. As she headed to her locker to sort her books she started steeling herself in preparation.

When she went straight to the choir room and started warming up. The rest of the club arrived in small groups of ones, twos and threes: Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes were first, swiftly followed by Quinn and Sam. Then came Artie and Tina, just ahead of Puck, Finn and Mike. By this time Rachel was done with her vocal exercises and sat down in the middle of the front row to wait out Mr. Shue. She glanced round the room and realized for the first time that Santana and Brittany had not yet arrived she started to wonder where they were but reminded herself she didn't care before the thought was fully formed.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB PBPBPBPB**

Santana just stared at Brittany like she'd just announced she thought Santana was a man. They were stood next to their lockers in the cheerios locker room after voluntarily doing some extra laps to kill tome before glee started.

"I'm sorry B, can you repeat that? I think I miss heard."

"I said when are you gonna tell Rachy you're in love with her?" The blonde stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Britt, I don't know what you're on but there is no way I am in love with Treasure Trail."

"Of course you are silly!" She grinned. "That's why you always make sure you look hot when you're around her, and you stopped the slushies, and you beat up Jew-fro for taking her underwear, and you're sad whenever she is dating someone. I don't like it when you're sad Sanny, but when Rachy is dating people we normally get our sweet lady kisses on but now that I'm with Artie we can't do that so you have to tell her you love her and then you'll always be happy!"

Santana just shook her head and closed her locker. "C'mon B, we don't to be late for glee" she said good naturedly, linking their pinkies as they left the locker room. As they walked towards the choir room Santana's mind was racing. Was she that obvious about her feelings? If so, who else knew? She hoped whoever did would be sensible enough to keep their mouth shut in fear of her going all Lima heights adjacent on them. She scolded herself internally. Of course no one else knew, Brittany just knew her really well. Hell, she knew everyone really well. What she lacked in intelligence she made up for with her ability to read people.

Just as she was reaching this conclusion she realized Brittany had bounced to a stop. They had almost walked past the choir room. She chuckled to herself as she glanced at the clock as they walked in and sat down and saw they were nearly 10 minutes late and yet there was still no sign of Mr. Shue.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB PBPBPBPBPB**

Rachel felt a twinge as she saw the two cheerios walking in together pinkies linked and quickly averted her eyes instead reverting to watching the door and waiting for the ever tardy Mr. Shuester. She glanced once again at the pair as they brushed past her to get the back row but quickly averted her gaze when she made eye contact with Santana, confused by the mixed emotions she saw in those deep warm brown eyes that she had once known so well.

She was startled out her reverie by the entrance of Mr. Shue and inwardly cursed her lack of concentration. She focused all of her attention on him as he clapped his hands as he entered. Speaking as he strode over to the whiteboard and wrote this week's assignment – NEW DUETS

"Okay guys for this week's assignment you're all going to perform a duet and one pair will be chosen, by myself Coach Beiste and Miss Pillsbury, to perform our second number at Sectionals! I'm going to pair you up with someone you don't normally sing with and – Yes Rachel?"

Rachel lowered the hand she had raised only moments before. Not deterred by the resigned and annoyed tone directed at her by her teacher she started the speech for the course of action she had just decided on.

"I apologize for the interruption Mr. Shue and while I am sure you have the clubs best interest at heart, just to be clear, you are choosing the pairings for a competition for the duet at sectionals? That is to say, you're deciding on our behalf who we will sing with which will affect not only song choice not only by personal preference but also through vocal ability? I really think that Finn and I would-" Everyone else groaned.

"Berry, if you and Finn sang together it wouldn't be a change would it?" Said Quinn patronizingly.

"Yeah and I could easily keep up with you!" Said Mercedes angrily.

Mr. Shuester cleared his throat.

"Thank you ladies. Yes Rachel while I am aware you and Finn have the most experience singing together I really think this is a good way to mix it up and find some amazing combinations for the future!"

Rachel heard Santana snigger at Mr. Shue's attempt to be 'hip'. She sighed as she recognized that he wouldn't be swayed and slumped back in her seat. Recognizing victory Will carried on.

"AS I was saying, there is no theme and no rules except that each of the pair must sing half the song-" He looked pointedly in Rachel's direction "- and that there is to be no trading of partners." Everyone groaned at this.

"Okay so the pairs are as follows:" he looked down at a piece of paper he picked up the piano. "Finn and Brittany, Mike and Quinn, Kurt and Arty, Blain and Sam, Mercedes and Tina, Puck and Sugar and-" Rachel felt all the blood drain from her face as she realized who she was left with "Santana and Rachel"

The whole room stared at him shocked silence before several people spoke at once.

"Are you crazy Mr. Shue? Satan will tear her apart!" That was Finn.

"Hot" Came from Noah.

"Mr. Shue I really must protest –" From Kurt.

"Now this I wanna see" Said Mercedes.

"N'aww look San you got Rachie" Beamed Brittany.

Santana said nothing.

Rachel sat and just listened to all the comments, still in shock. All hopes of just avoiding Santana and hoping she let go were lost.

"Calm down guys! I have no reason to believe anyone in here would ever harm each other. The pairings stay the same. Now get to work, we will be performing these on Monday."

There were general mutterings of discontent but everyone grudgingly got into their groups. Rachel sighed and turned to face the Latina only to find her studying her intently.


	5. Chapter 5

Santana stood and walked past Rachel. She stopped when she felt no sign of being followed and turned to see the shorter girl sat watching her and biting her lip. Santana stared at Rachel's lips for a second imagining she was the one biting it before mentally shaking herself. She headed back to where Rachel was sitting and crouched down beside her, aware of the covert glances being thrown their way.

She leans in close as Rachel struggles to keep looking forwards and whispers in her ear.

"Vamos Chica, lo haremos a obtener hay paz aquí"

She stood again and retraced her steps back to the door, smirking at the blush that was spreading across Rachel's cheeks and down her neck, whether from the proximity or the feel of her breath on Rachel's skin or the Spanish or the term of endearment she didn't know. If she was honest she didn't care, she was just pleased she could have such an effect on the tiny diva.

She was just imagining how far the blush went when they reached her car. She turned and saw that Rachel was only at the edge of the parking lot and dragging her feet. She sighed and shook her head, thinking how her once best friend was now afraid or at least wary of being alone with her.

_"Rachel? We need to go in 15 minutes okay? Start getting ready please."_

_"Okay Dad." Rachel called down to her father before turning back to look at her. "We start high school tomorrow San"_

_"Sé que."_

_"I want you to do somethingpor favor."_

_"What is it Rach? You know I'd do anything for you" Rachel smiled at her, oh how she loved that smile, and leaned over and kissed her. Santana smiled into the kiss before starting to pull away. But there was something different about this kiss. Every other kiss they'd shared had, though she'd never admit it, set Santana's heart racing as this one did. Of course they'd never shared more than a quick peck on the lips, they were just friends after all but this time was different. Rachel didn't pull away and though neither of them had deepened it, it felt so good that Santana didn't think she could even if she wanted to. There was also something desperate about this kiss, as if Rachel was saying goodbye. Santana pulled away as she thought of this and looked into Rachel's eyes, questioning silently. Rachel bit her lip and looked away._

_"Prométeme que." She whispered still avoiding Santana's gaze. _

_"Te lo prometo. Para ti cualquier cosa."_

_Rachel bowed her head for a second before looking up and finally meeting the young Latinas gaze._

_" You have to do everything you can to get where you want. You're going to get on the cheerleading squad and do whatever it takes to stay there and eventually get your scholarship okay?" Santana tried to interrupt "No just listen. We both know that for me high school is going to be even worse than middle school and I'm not letting your loyalty to me ruin your future. Tomorrow when we walk in those doors we act like we were never friends. You hang around with Britt and Noah and I'll make my own way. We can still be best friends, just not in school-" _

_Throughout Rachel's rushed speech tears had been building up in her eyes and Santana felt a sense of dread and foreboding creeping over her as well as a sense of finality._

_"Rachel" Rachel's fathers shout cut of the end of her sentence and made Santana jump._

_"Coming Dad!" Before Santana could react Rachel had lent in._

_"You promised me." She whispered before leaning in completely and kissing Santana. The kiss was so fleeting Santana wasn't sure it had actually happened and by the time she had opened her eyes Rachel had left her bedroom with a whispered "Te amo"_

_She felt betrayed. She knew she couldn't break a promise especially not to Rachel. She felt water dripping on to her legs and looked up from where she was sat on the floor before realizing she was crying._

**_That was the first night she went to Puck, but it wouldn't be the last._**

**_For the first few weeks of high school everything went as Rachel had planned. She was, as she predicted, at the bottom of the food chain whereas Santana, who had managed to be one of the 3 first freshmen to be sought out by one Sue Sylvester, was near the top. Santana rang Rachel every night and apologized for mean comments made during the day and Rachel brushed off the apologies, saying Santana should do what she had too. Then as everyone settled in the calls became less frequent, more and more often Santana would make excuses that ranged from hanging out with Brittany and their new friend Quinn to going on dates with what seemed to Rachel to be every guy in school._**

**_Then came the day of Rachel's very first slushie facial. _**

_Rachel was getting her books out of her locker ready for the start of the day when Quinn, Brittany and Santana walked over, each with a different flavored slushie. Rachel turned and closed her locker and started at the sight of the three girls in front of her._

_"Hello Manhands." Said Quinn smiling evilly. Rachel frowned slightly before replying. _

_"Hello Quinn, can I help you with something?"_

_"Actually yes, RuPaul, you can" smirked Santana looking over at Quinn._

_"What-" Started Rachel just as the Slushie Santana had been holding was flung into her face. She gasped and started to tremble, clearing the thick red goo out of her eyes just in time for purple to replace it. To Rachel, it felt like needles of ice were stabbing her in the eyes._

_The blonde and the Latina looked to the tall Dutch girl who was looking into her cup thoughtfully._

_"I think I might have drank mine" Said Brittany, looking confused. The other two Cheerios laughed and wandered off, leaving Rachel dripping brightly colored ice onto the tiled floor. Rachel just stood there shell-shocked. When she finally came to her senses she could hear everyone in the vicinity laughing or sniggering and ran into the nearest bathroom._

Santana sighed. Since that moment they had never spoken again, unless she was insulting Rachel. Things had only started to change after the unholy trinity had joined glee. At Regionals last year when Rachel had believed her. She remembered the feeling she'd gotten when she'd heard those wor-

"Santana?" Said a small voice behind her. "As much as I'm sure you admire you're car you've been standing here for 15 minutes."

Santana blushed slightly hoping her Latina skin would hide that fact. She turned and looked at Rachel noticing how tired she looked.

"Look, it you don't mind Santana can we work on the assignment tomorrow? I don't really feel up to it right now" She turned to leave without waiting for conformation and had started walking away when Santana moved in front of her blocking her path.

"At least let me drive you home Berry" she said exasperatedly, reaching for Rachel's arm. She immediately withdrew her hand when she saw Rachel flinch. She looked down and tried not to show the pain that she knew would flash across her face. Was Rachel really that scared of her? She glanced back up and saw Rachel biting her lip again. She knew Rachel was considering it and tried to think fast.

"We don't have to talk today if you're unwell? I'll just drive you, drop you off and leave I swear" She internally cheered as Rachel sighed and nodded before leading her back to the car.

* * *

**AN: SPANISH TRANSLATIONS**

-Come on Chica, we'll get no peace here.

-I know

-Promise me.

-I promise. For you, anything.

-I love you


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Guys I am so sorry about the delay! My now Ex-Girlfriend was supposed to be updating this for me while I was having wifi trouble. Guess she was too busy fucking around to even do that. Anyways enough of my little rant. I shall try and upload one of my chapters every other day until I have published all the ones I have written so far, which will also hopefully give me time to continue to write more chapters and hence have more to publish. Does that make sense? Oh well, here you go ~ Lola xox **

**P.S WARNING CONTAINS SOME SANTANA SELF LOVING ;)  
**

* * *

The drive to the berry residence was torturous for Santana, she could feel the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck rising with the amount of tension. This, plus the fact that it was Rachel sat next her made it necessary for Santana to remind herself on several occasions to keep her eyes on the road.  
RACHEL was just as uncomfortable but she refused to break the silence. She didn't want to have to talk to Santana in case it lead to **_that_** conversation. She didn't know what she was going to tell the Latina and her mind was racing. Santana may, of course, not know anything. She might just be jumping to conclusions but the thought of have to talk about her cutting, with Santana of all people made her blood run cold.

There was a sense of relief from both girls when they finally pulled into Rachel's driveway. Santana was surprised when Rachel didn't immediately get out and turned to look at her, only to find her studiously staring out the front windscreen and cast her mind round for something to say to break the deafening silence.

Before she could say anything however, Rachel said a soft thanks, slipping quietly out of the car and leaving a bemused Santana wondering what she was being thanked for. She stayed where she was for a few minutes then realised where she was and started the car beginning her journey home. It would not do to be seen hanging around the divas home – by her 'friends' or Rachel's neighbours. As she pulled up outside of the apartment she was currently staying in, thanks to her bigoted mother and generous father, she remembered seeing Rachel pull up at school during this mornings practice, and made a note to ask Rachel about it when she next saw her.

Realising they hadn't arranged when they were going to talk or even rehearse Santana decided she would pick her up in the morning and drive her to school. She pulled out her phone and went to text her, she had got as far as typing the text and tapped in the box to input Rachel's number, when it dawned on her that she didn't actually have the small divas number.

"Shit" she swore quietly and got out of her car, luging her Cheerios bag up the path towards the front door of her building.

She stepped into her still bare apartment and looked around dejectedly before shaking herself out of it dropping her keys on the table. She dumped her bag in her room unceremoniously, grabbing her towel and heading for the bathroom, pulling her phone out of her back pocket as she opened the bathroom door. She set the shower running and sent a text to Puck as she waited for the water to warm up.

**Hey Puckerman hook me up wit Berrys fone no? xo**

She stripped and stepped into the now hot shower, sighing at the feeling of the water pummeling her back. Santana quickly shaved her crotch and underarms, then lathered up her hair with her favourite coconut scented shampoo. She took her time, massaging her scalp as she rinsed out the shampoo, before repeating the process with her berry scented conditioner. As the sweet aroma enveloped her she sighed and her thoughts turned once again to the tiny diva. Rachel thanking her, Rachel allowing her to drive her home, Rachel taking ages to cross the parking lot, the words she had used to get Rachel to leave that damned room, the way Rachel had blushed…

Santana moaned as she again wondering how far that blush had gone, her hands drifting down from her hair, running down her neck and over her collarbones before finally stopping at her breasts. She felt her nipples hardening under the attentions of her fingers as she imagined what she would find under that argyle. Her hands drifted again lower, stroking down her toned stomach, round her hips to her ass then back round diagonally to mid-thigh before moving to where she wanted. She ran two fingers through her slick folds, playing with her nipple with her other hand all the while imagining it was Rachel touching her and picturing her blushing with lust filled eyes as she saw earlier. She moaned again as she slipped the two fingers that had been slowly circling her clit inside herself and started to pump them in and out, quickly gaining pace. She brought her other hand down to play with her clit and the image of a topless, blushing Rachel came into her mind pushing her over the edge. She moaned Rachel's name as she came before and slumped against the tiled wall, flinching involuntarily as her skin came in to contact with the cold tiles.

"Ay dios mio" She whispered as she came back to the present. It dawned on her that the once hot water was cooling down and she quickly lathered her body in body wash and rinsed off. Turning the shower off she got out and wrapped herself in her fluffy towel before staring at her reflection in the mirror.

She shook her head and avoided her reflections gaze, trying to forget what she'd just done.

She grabbed her phone and saw Puck had replied.

**Y shd I tel u? U beta not b hrtn my JAP! Xo**

Santana sighed at his reply as she felt guilt wash over her. Puck really did care about Rachel. She wondered if he knew what was going on with her. She considered mentioning it for a moment before deciding to play it safe.

**Jus bout da duet 4 glee wit her xo**

She went back into her room and threw her phone on the bed and grabbed tank top and some sweats and pulled them on, turning when her phone buzzed. She raced over to it and grinned when she saw that Puck had come through for her and given her the divas number.

She sent him a quick thanks before saving Rachel's number and putting her phone down on the bedside table, getting out her homework as she decided what to say to the diva.

She flopped onto her bed with her books sighing. Everyone at school just assumed she was failing all her classes (because God knows she never did anything in them and that was when she even bothered to show up) when in reality she actually had a 4.8 GPA. No one questioned her attendance – or lack thereof – they just assumed she was with coach and so marked her present meaning coach never found out about her absences. It was a win-win for Santana who could have passed these classes with her eyes closed at aged 13. Not that anybody in that hell hole knew that, only coach was aware of her intelligence and it was only Snix that kept Santana from being the head cheerleader. Coach hated unpredictability that wasn't hers.

Santana started to open her AP Biology book before changing her mind and picking up her cell instead. She opened a new text and her thumbs hovered over the touch screen as she debated what to write.


	7. Chapter 7

After staring at the screen of her phone for nearly 3 minutes Santana decided to just play it safe. **Hey Berry. Ofer is stil opn if u get l1ly n 1a come ova 2 m9 –S**

She had only just put her cell down as she immediately received a reply.

_Santana ? RB*_

Santana rolled her eyes.

**Hu else wud it b? Had many "sleepovr" ofers frm uva smokin Latinas rcntly? ;)**

She didn't even bother to put down her cell this time as she waited for the reply.

_ Of course not. I am just shocked that you're texting me. Speaking of you texting me how did you get my number? RB*_

**Puck. Told im it wuz 4 Glee duet. U feelin n e beta?**

_No, not really. RB*_

**:/ Dam. C n as u dnt hve a car I wil giv u a ride 2moz. U r nt walkin 2 skl wen u dnt feel gd, k?**

_Really Santana, that's not necessary. RB*_

**Dnt rgu wit me Rach. U wnt win dis 1.**

_….You called me Rach. RB*_

**So?**

_I kind of like it… RB*_

**:) Ill pik u up 8:10.**

_If you insist Santana. Look I have to go I feel pretty tired. RB*_

**K. Lyk I sed, u cn stil cum ova if u get l1ly or scard or woteva. Nite Rach. S**

Rachel sighed and put down her phone. It seemed Santana was pretty determined to talk to her. Not that she expected her to turn up of course. As if someone with Santana's status would let them be seen together in public, let alone driving her to school. She knew that she wasn't popular enough or pretty enough or good enough in any way to warrant Santana's attention. She slumped to the floor in her bathroom wishing she didn't have to move. When she opened her eyes she saw her scales and knew that she would have to weigh herself or worry all night. She scrambled up and bent down to drag the scales into the middle of the room. She stripped out of her clothes and took a deep breath before stepping on to them. She watched the numbers race upwards and as they came to a stop, a tear rolled down her cheek. She was so fucking _fat_. And she hated herself for it. She stepped off the scales and shoved them back to where they started with her foot. She stepped in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection. She ran her hands over her stomach, hating all the fat she could feel there, and then across her thighs. She was disgusting. She closed her eyes as another tear fell, not wanting to see how weak she was. And so she did the only thing she knew would make her feel strong.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB**

Rachel had bandaged up her arm and had just finished cleaning up the red stains in her bathroom when she heard a noise at her window. She froze, before slowly creeping towards the window. Just as she reached it a stone hit the glass pane, making her jump. She hesitantly took another step towards the glass and peered out, sighing when she saw Santana leaning against her car. She opened the window and called down to the Latina.

"Really Santana? Couldn't you just ring the doorbell like a normal person instead of trying to give me a heart attack with your immature behaviour?" Rachel shook her head. "What are you doing here?" She asked wearily.

"I was worried about you Berry. I didn't want you home alone if you're sick so I decided to grace you with my presence…" She trailed off at the look on Rachel's face, obviously not appreciating Santana's words or the cheeky grin that accompanied them. "Anyways, I be here now so you gonna let me in or what?"

She felt her heartbreak at the defeated look on Rachel's face. Rachel sighed and shook her head.

"Why?"

Santana started. "Wh-What?"

"Why should I let you in Santana? Give me one good reason why I should let you into my home?"

Santana just stood there gobsmacked. Rachel Barbra Berry was finally standing up for herself? Of course she _had_ to finally grow a pair at the most inconvenient time. Santana internally rolled her eyes before realising she'd been stood there in silence for almost a minute. Rachel again sighed and shook her head.

"Yeah, that's what I thought" she muttered , just loud enough for Santana to hear, as she started to close the window.

"Rach, wait!" Rachel froze at Santana's use of her name. Santana carried on talking oblivious to Rachel's current internal struggle. "You once promised that I would always be welcome here, and the Rachel I knew would never break a promise." She waited with baited breath as Rachel appeared to mull her words over.

After a few seconds pause Rachel looked directly into Santana's eyes. "People change, as you well know." And with those words she drew back from the window, closed it and drew the curtains. Santana slumped against her car with tears in her eyes. She'd ruined it, lost any chance of reconciliation with the tiny diva. She slid down the car as she felt her body being wracked with sobs. She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she heard a door opening and looked up.

* * *

Rachel back from the window, closed it and drew the curtains, before sliding down the wall underneath it. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't fair. What gave Santana the right to bring up that promise or talk about keeping promises? She was such a hypocrite. She didn't realize she was crying until she felt something drip onto her unbandaged arm and noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. She angrily wiped her cheeks and took a deep breath before peering out the window from between the curtains. She could see Santana's car still but not the fiery Latina. She sighed thinking Santana must have run and was about to turn away from the window when out of the corner of her eye she noticed something on the ground by the driver's side door. There on the gravel driveway sat a slumped Santana in a position that mimicked Rachel's own just a few moments ago. She hesitated for barely a second before pulling on a hoodie, grabbing the fleece blanket off her bed and heading downstairs stopping only at the bathroom to splash water on her face to make the tear tracks on her cheeks less obvious. She reached the front door took a deep breath in, released it and then opened the door and headed out towards the sobbing girl.


	8. Chapter 8

Santana looked up at the sound of the door opening and saw Rachel walking towards her. She sat there, tears falling down her cheeks, convinced this was a dream or hallucination or something and it wasn't until Rachel had kneeled down next to her that started to talk that she realised she couldn't breathe properly.

"Santana. Look at me okay, I need you to breathe. Deep breaths. In and out that's it. Here-" She placed Santana's on her own heart. "- breathe with me. That's it. Deep breaths. You're okay, I'm right here. Shh San you're okay, just breathe."

All the while, Santana just sat there like a child focusing on Rachel's words, the sound of her breathing and the heartbeat she could feel under her hand. When Rachel felt Santana start to relax she shifted them so that Santana was sat on her lap and wrapped the blanket around them. They sat like that for a while, Rachel rubbing Santana's back and taking obvious breaths and Santana just focusing on her breathing.

Once she was again breathing normally and her shaking had been reduced to shivers, Santana looked at Rachel who smiled weakly. She had red rings around her eyes that told Santana she'd been crying. She was instantly consumed with guilt, those tears were because of her, and felt tears of her own well up again. She sighed and made to get up but Rachel tightened her arms around the bigger Latina.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I was gonna go home Rach. I'm sorry for showing up here like this. I can still come pick you up in the morn-" Rachel who had been shaking her head the whole time Santana was talking interrupted her.

"Santana. Shut up and get inside. I'm not letting you drive in this state, you will sleep here tonight."

"But-"Rachel looked so defeated and Santana saw so much pain in her eyes that she couldn't bring herself to argue with the vulnerable looking diva. She looked down at her feet and nodded her assent. She looked up again as Rachel scurried past her and she found a small smile on her face at how cute she found it, despite the situation. Santana followed Rachel up the driveway and then the steps leading to Rachel's house.

Rachel tensed as the taller girl brushed her arm when she held open the door for her. She immediately relaxed and internally scolded herself while looking to the other girl and sighing in relief that she appeared not to have noticed anything.

"Go on up, I'll be up in a second. Do you remember which room?"

Santana winced slightly at the reminder of the gap since she last visited the house but nodded and went upstairs. Rachel sighed and went into the kitchen, pulling out two classes and getting a big bottle of water out of the fridge. She put it all on the side and got out some double stuff Oreos and beef jerky that her fathers had in the cupboard. These joined the pile of stuff on the counter and she stared at them as hurt flowed through her body. She was _here_. She was staying the night _here_. It wasn't fair. She unclenched her hands from the counter top and collected the water, snacks and glasses together and headed upstairs to join the Latina.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB **

Santana walked slowly up the stairs to the door that she remembered from her childhood. It looked the same, with a large gold star on it and underneath in loopy cursive script the tiny diva's name. _Rachel Barbra Berry_. She sighed. Tonight was going to be hard.

She opened the door and entered the room, this had changed. The old posters of cartoons and pictures drawn by and photos of both her and Rachel were gone. Instead the room bore posters of prominent broadway stars, musicals she knew the girl had gone to see with her fathers and – surprisingly for Santana – posters of quite a lot of artists she herself liked. The walls instead of being baby pink were a nice magnolia colour and the shelf Rachel used to keep trophies on had multiplied in order to hold the ever growing number the girl had acquired. Her eyes fell on the bed and she saw a tasteful flowery bedspread now covered it. She sat on the bed and her eyes fell on the posters once more. Was it her imagination or were all of the posters of scantily clad women? She stared around the room, there was a significant lack of male icons – and clothing – in all of them. Before she could jump to any conclusions she heard footsteps on the landing and turned back towards the doorway just in time to see a laden Rachel enter.

Rachel studiously avoided Santana's gaze as she walked into the room and over to her desk depositing the snacks and drinks on the desk.

"I brought up some Oreos and beef jerky, I know they used to be your favourites. And some water because I imagine you are quite thirsty after… well… anyway it is extremely important to stay hydrated at all times so." Rachel said all of this very fast and in a voice Santana almost had to strain to hear, all the while avoiding eye contact. Santana stood up and walked over to her and placing a tanned hand in the small of her back she replied.

"Thank you Rachel, you didn't have to do this."

"I know I didn't." Rachel looked up at the Latina and a look of understanding passed between the two girls. Rachel was the first to break the eye contact as she started moving round the room stopping at the wardrobe and took out 2 sets of clothes, throwing one to Santana, before heading to the bathroom. She stopped at the door and turned to face Santana who had been watching her move with vague amusement.

"I am going to go get changed. Make yourself comfortable or whatever, those clothes shouldn't be too small."

Not waiting for Santana to respond she walked in to the ensuite and closed the door quickly, before turning and leaning on it and surveying the room. She sighed and started tidying the room; cleaning the sink, throwing away the bloody tissues and shoving the scales under a cabinet. Then she took off her cardigan and short sleep clothes and changed into a long sleeved top and sweat pants. She stopped with her hand on the door knob and checked round the room once more, then took a deep breath before walking back into her room.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB PBPBPBP**

Santana just watched as the diva walked through a door she hadn't really registered, she assumed it was an ensuite. She again stared around the bedroom before looking back at the things on the desk. She poured herself a glass of water and downed than refilled the glass and took a sip. Rachel had been right, she was thirsty. She grabbed the snacks (they were still her favourite) and put her glass and but it down while grabbing the remote of Rachel's bedside table before flicking on the television.

She quickly changed into the clothes the diva had lent her, not wanting to be caught half-dressed when the tiny diva returned, and flopped onto the bed. She was glad the Berry's had invested in cable. She flicked through the channels mindlessly before stopping on Spongebob. After being forced to watch the show with Brittany, Santana had found a love for the cartoons childish humour and it was comforting to have it on even though she wasn't really watching it. She felt exhausted and with the chatter of the TV in the background and a faint smell that reminded her of Rachel and her childhood she drifted off to sleep.

**PBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPB PBPBPB**

Rachel opened the bathroom door and stepped into her room with a stoic expression that softened at the sleeping Latina. She shook her head and sighed softly hating that she liked that Santana had cared enough to come over and make sure she was okay. She gathered up the snacks off the bed and put them back on the desk then poured herself some water and headed back over to the bed.

Santana stirred slightly as Rachel pulled a blanket over the darker girl. She placed her drink next to Santana's and just stood watching her sleep and debating what to do. She sighed, it was late and she was tired and she'd be damned if having Santana there forced her out of her own bed. She climbed into the bed and switched out the light and curled up into Santana's side. She was asleep almost immediately. Next to her in the darkness, Santana smiled in her sleep.


End file.
